Despite what others believe to be true, I am an extremely private person. I want to keep my inner struggles and demons a secret and present a version of myself that is whole, happy and fulfilled. Do not get me wrong, I am those things, but just like the moon I have a dark side that accompanies the light, like an ever-present and stalking shadow walking beside me.
However, I find that it is in those struggles that you start to realize who you truly are and what your purpose is in this world – not the flimsy career-driven purpose, but the save-the-world kind of purpose. One that defies all the demons inside and calls for something spectacular and good.
This would not have been the case if I was still the 12 year old on a farm in a small town area, sitting behind my curtain on the wide window sill, ironically listening to Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway and looking at the rainfall as I dream of escaping the pain of a broken family and household for the bright lights and glamorous life of Los Angeles.
My dreams were big and rooted in my innate desire to help mankind
My goals were clear: I would finish school with flying colors, participate in as many productions as I can and then after my matric year, I would fly across the globe and start acting. My acting would catch fire and I would start directing my own films, especially films imbedded in the values I found missing in the world; films that would inspire, support and encourage others.
By the age of 25 I wanted to be a success in the performing arts and film industry, with a rumoured Oscar headed my way. I dreamed about the house (cough-cough, mansion) I would be living in – one that was a few feet away from the beach, with a porch overlooking the ocean.
A porch I would escape to every morning before sunrise and every night at sunset, perhaps even to catch a glimpse of a full moon that would embrace me as a sister and whisper in my ear how alike we are and how despite the fact that I am cratered in imperfection and hurt, the dark would never overwhelm me and there would always be a light that would offer hope as it reflected on the mirror-like ocean. That would be the place I would find serenity, peace and an indescribable companionship with my Creator.
My dream life was perfect
At 25 I imagined that I would most likely have been in a serious relationship and perhaps even engaged. In fact, if I recall correctly 25 was the exact age I believed I would be engaged, if not just married. My dream life was perfect – everything was in place.
My career would be booming, I would be in love with my soul mate and I would contribute with everything in me and what was at my disposal to make the world a better place and care for mankind, especially children.
Needless to say, nothing panned out this way. My dream became my fantasy, my escape in this world. Instead of dealing with the larger issues at bay, I would revert back into my shell and dream, causing me to miss out on life and lose friends in the process – they perhaps saw me as aloof, when all the while I was just trying to survive the only way I knew how.
Read also – To The Girl Who Wants to Let Go of a Lost Dream
Naivety was my Achilles heel and I never saw my downfall coming
I past my secondary education with flying colors, but was hit hard with the reality of not being able to immediately cross oceans to get to where I always dreamt of being. Naivety was my Achilles heel and I never saw my downfall coming.
I grew up in the years I went to college, I matured in a way I would not have matured elsewhere. I realized not everything goes according to plan. The world is constantly changing; you are constantly changing and that is alright. In fact, it is more than alright, it is beautiful. Can you imagine if everything went according to plan? If everything was black and white? Life would be motionless and dull.
It is when life comes and knocks the wind right out of you when you find yourself on your knees – barely. When life rips your head out of the clouds and forces you to stare at what is in front of you that you can see it: How absolutely breathtaking the view is in front of you. Colors you never imagined seeing – it is bright, it is bold and it is beautiful. Colors that are found on in both the old and the new.
My rainbow of colors was found amongst my family whom I wrongfully and ignorantly neglected, my friends whom I arrogantly and obliviously isolated, new journeys that shaped me and opened my perspective on life and what is really important in it, and new friends that embraced me and supported me on my road of rediscovery. I paused and realized – life was so much better than what I had imagined it would be.
There is something bigger and better planned for me
If life decides to throw a curveball at you and force you to make a detour, you get to make a choice. Do you choose to let the fire of change consume and destroy you, or do you let it pattern and mold you into something greater than the original blueprint? We all have to go through a crucible – a refinement.
That is a moment in time where we are at our bare elements and our core characteristics make their presence known, it is then when we have the power to take those characteristics and shape it into something better, while it is still hot and flexible. The fire will hurt you and it will burn, there is no doubt about that, but the end result will be so worth it.
Despite who you are and what you believe in, you have got to believe that there is something bigger and better planned for you. We have to remain hopeful, for ourselves and humanity. Hope can hurt, but it can also heal. Our goals might never work out the way we plan them, but we have got to learn to embrace the uncertainty of the future and see it as a possibility for greatness – terrifying as that may sound, it is the only way we will survive the heartache.
In conclusion and in celebration of the Supermoon we got to experience, I would like to remain faithful to the moon metaphor used at the beginning of this article. Life, like the moon, revolves around going through different phases: Some dark and some light; some big and some small – all of which is significant and spectacularly beautiful, if, however, we decide to embrace and appreciate each phase in its individual time and place.
Despite what you think your life should be, you are here, living and breathing, that is something to be grateful for. Choose to shine and glow in each phase of your life and remember that it is after each phase that we start finding our true direction.