I had always tried to control every aspect of my life and changed whatever I had enough power to change. I had always looked at my life as an enemy and kept struggling for getting the things I did actually not need to be happy.
I had trouble flowing through my emotions, disappointments, little victories, and the ins-and-outs. Now, I am gradually learning to treat my life as a friend and stop looking for the answers that do not exist.
Happy outside, struggling inside
I was a spoiled child in my family. Maybe it was because I was the youngest or maybe my parents tried too hard to make me happy. I had everything others could only dream about. My parents tried to make each my dream and whim come true. I thought it was an ideal life until I realized life could be cruel at times. Surely, I do not blame my parents, but I was not ready for a real life when my college years came.
The series of heart-breaking events – deaths of loved ones, breakups, toxic friendships, betrayals, failures, and fears – made me believe that life was my biggest enemy. Since I did not want to disappoint my loved ones I kept smiling and looking happy outside, but struggling inside.
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What is meant to be will be
I had been trying to cope with my inner struggle for years until I finally realized that pretending and faking are useless. I am not afraid to show everyone who I am. I finally rediscovered the real me. I have learned not to force things to happen. I stop trying to make those who do not see me in their lives stay with me. I just let them go.
I stop sharing my bed with the guys who do not want to spend their future with me, and I am not going to sacrifice my life and dreams just to make my current boyfriend marry me. If it is meant to be, it will be. Forcing things to happen is not my priority anymore. I do not need them to feel happy.
The answers that do not exist
I hear everyone talking about the purpose of life, self-development, injustice and a cruel life. Until now, I did not stop asking the questions like, “Why do people die and what happens next?” “Why do people hurt each other?” “Why do animals hurt each other?” “What is the purpose of my life?” etc. While some questions can be answered, others must be ignored since the answers did not exist.
Life is cruel so do humans, but treating it as an enemy is the worst thing we do. We often try to get to know the things we should not know and this incomprehensibility leads to a miserable life. I am guilty of this so learning to let my life take its course is a big step towards a genuinely happy life.
Freedom is precious
I am learning to free myself from my thoughts and actions that keep me in confines from enjoying my life. I am learning to follow my dreams without worrying about being misunderstood and judged. My partner and I strive to make freedom a priority in our relationship because both of us are independent and cannot stand clingy personalities. That freedom makes both of us feel happy in a relationship.
I appreciate the freedom I am given in my workplace. And that’s probably a reason why I love what I do. I am fortunate to have friends who give me that piece of freedom when I crave it. When I do not call or meet them, they know that it is not because I forget about them. It is because I need a break. I need to hang out with myself for a while. I can’t imagine living a life where freedom is limited. I believe freedom is what it means to be alive.
I am now learning to mindfully incorporate happiness into my life until it becomes a part of my daily life. It is a long journey, but I am ready for it. I am not going to continue doing things the way they must be done. I feel I have the power to live up to my highest and a bit perfect vision of how my life should be.
If you are in the same boat, join the journey and learn to treat your life as a friend, not as an enemy. You and I cannot sometimes change what is outside of us, but we have the power to change the perception of the situation and what is inside us.