Why do we only write about the sad part of every love story? I used to ask the same myself. I kept writing the sad ones and skipped all the happy moments. Maybe because the happy thoughts were gone and replaced by all the emotional struggles I had experienced and it was better to remember the pain than the good. Yet here I am, I thought after two to three blogs about a broken past, it would stop there until you. Until I met you.
It was a whirlwind start for us
You, whom I never thought would come into my life. You, who was so unexpected but rapidly changed my daily routine. I was so done searching and waiting when I met you. It was a whirlwind start for us. Something I never thought I would experience that time.
I was complete before you – in all senses of completeness. I did not need someone like you then because I was contented with everything that was going right before me. I have never opened up to anyone again after that broken past, and when you came, I was cautious and still guarded.
I was reluctant to let you in my world
I built the walls higher than before, and yet you still tried everything, breaking every walls I had been building day by day with your sweetness and your effort. You broke down those walls and taught me to believe and trust again – trust in us. I opened my heart, believing you would not break it because you knew about my past and you knew better not to hurt me anymore.
I stayed awake every time just to wait for you because you were all that made my day better. You gladly listened to my random rants and how my day went. You never get tired of my stories. You never complained how clingy I got because you were exactly like me.
You always checked up on me and I did the same. You never even gave me a hint that it was all going down the drain. It was not one-sided love with you. Though it was fast, we believed we could try and make it happen. Until that day came.
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My nightmares were coming true in front of me
Until you suddenly stopped putting the same effort, and still I thought it was just a phase. Until my nightmares were coming true in front of me. You cheated, or well, should I say you were constantly cheating, but I was too blind to see it. I saw all the red flags but ignored everything because my trust in you was bigger than all my fears.
You kept telling me it would always be me in the end no matter what. You broke every single promise, all my walls, and eventually my heart. My biggest fault was that I allowed you. I allowed you to take advantage of my trust and kindness. I allowed you to break my heart. I kept silence. I didn’t want to lose you in an argument. I loved you so much that I fell too hard.
You loved her more than you loved me
I will never forget how you looked at me that night I found out about your lies. That night you told me you loved her more than you loved me. That night I broke my own heart by hearing you repeatedly say ‘sorry’ without meaning it. It was painful to hear I was not the one you chose. But it was more painful to see you not regret anything you put me through.
How can a man like you be so heartless? I did not know how but I still love you and can’t let you go. You saw me become someone I was not. I was torn and broken. I was at my lowest point and still you kept looking at me like I was some sort of mistake. I was lost for days, and weeks, and the pain kept dragging me to just cry uncontrollably every day.
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It was easier to believe you never really loved me…
…than to feed myself the lies you repeatedly gave me. It was better to remember you did not love me at all, because you never hurt people you love. I did not regret meeting you, though. What I regret is that I allowed you to take control of my happiness and use me for your ulterior motives. I regret not listening to my friends when they told me to stay away from the guys like you.
I will always remember of you, your confidence in everything, your excuses and lies, your horrible mind games and how I should never trust anyone like you in the future. I will move from here. I will become better for myself, not for any other guy I will meet.
It will always hurt when I remember you but do not worry, I know better now. I did lose myself when you left, yet I promise to find myself again without you. My happiness will not depend on you anymore.
I will keep writing about you until it hurts no more. Until you become just another name in my life story.