May 28, 2016

I Let Him Shape Me into a Person That I Was Not Meant to Be

I was in that relationship. That relationship that made me feel like nothing – the one that made me feel extraordinarily ordinary. I felt unintelligent, unmotivated, ugly, and useless. I was always convinced that I was not good enough.

I thought I needed to alter myself – the way I thought, the way I looked, and the way I carried myself. I thought the man that urged me to change so many details about myself was just trying to help shape me into a better person – like he was pushing me towards my full potential.

The more I changed, the more I tried to convince myself that I was just growing – blossoming into the woman that I was meant to be.

You see, I was cursed with eyes that always see the best in others – even when there is nothing good to see. I continued to tell myself that I was growing and maturing until the day that I realized I was not even me anymore. I did not know who the hell this woman was that was residing inside of my body, but she was not me, not even close.

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This woman held her tongue and allowed herself to be walked all over.

She quit telling stupid jokes and quit going out. She was not spontaneous or free – she was just boring and miserable. I realized that I had allowed someone to do to me something to me that I swore would never happen to me – I allowed someone to put me in a cage and tame me.

My ex made me feel like no one would want the mess of a woman that I am.

He made me feel like he put up with so much from me and would tell me no other man would put up with my shit. That no man would fit my standards and that I, as I was, would not fit anyone else’s either.

Somehow, I have found myself lucky enough to have stumbled upon a man that adores me for everything that my ex resented me for.

He is not embarrassed by me being weird and dorky. He does not try to change my attitudes or opinions but, rather, listens to them and holds intelligent conversations and debates with me about them instead of arguments with a hidden agenda of changing my point of view.

He reads my writings and tells me how much he loves them – rather than calling me a nerd or insinuate that I am wasting my time. He indulges in hours of “freaky” serial killer documentaries with me with the same enjoyment and fascination that I have. He loves my wanderlust soul and craves experiencing the world with me. Everything about me that one man once hated – another adores.

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Never let anyone make you feel like you should be anything that you are not.

Because for me, the was some guy out there wondering around looking for a weird girl just like myself the entire time I was trying to mold myself into something I wasn’t. I left him wandering while I became a woman I did not want to be – a woman I didn’t understand or know.

A woman I did not care for one bit. And then when the day comes and your soul joins forces with the soul that does not want to change a damn thing about you and thinks your flaws are your strongest asset s- that’s what magic is.

Do not leave your weirdo counterpart out there wandering aimlessly while you are trying to be something else. Be you – someone out there is looking for exactly that.

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