85 Best Sarcastic New Year Quotes To Make You Laugh [2022]

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

“I don’t even drink! I can’t stand the taste of alcohol. Every New Year’s Eve I try one drink and every time it makes me feel sick. So I don’t touch booze – I’m always the designated driver.” – Kim Kardashian

“Shapes of heart from organ to stone. 2009 to 2022.”

“New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.”

“I will no longer wish you more success. You’ve had so much already. It should be mine this year! Happy new year to me!”

“You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth. Happy New Year!”

“If’ you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.”

“This new year I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me. Happy new year.”

“To my friends, I wish you peace, love and health. Blah, blah blah… screw that! I wish you lots of booze, orgasms and hope you win Lotto.”

“What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.”

“New Year’s Resolution: Option A: lose weight Option B: Buy a Bigger Basket.”

“This year I’m going to tell more people to fcuk off.”

“I don’t have a new year’s resolution you don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.”

“May all your troubles last as long as your new years resolutions.”

“Dear 2021 I’m glad you’re Over.”

“Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution is, She said “F*** you” so I’m pretty excited for 2022.”

“Dear 2022, make sure you don’t come up with temporary people.”

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead in this New Year.”

“I’m not buying 2022 planner until I see a trailer.”

“Many years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to never make new year’s resolutions. Hell, it’s been the only resolution I’ve ever kept!”

“Before I agree to 2022, I need to see some terms & conditions.”

“I would make a status saying happy new year! But I really don’t like any of you, nor do I want your year to be happy..”

“Dear new year’s resolution, well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, January 2nd.”

“New Year’s Resolution… More time on the treadmill.”

“Every year I make a resolution to change myself……. this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!”

“I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.”

“Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.”

“New years party Expectation vs reality.”

“Funny Movie 2012 Fact… Today is the fifth death anniversary of our planet. rest in peace.”

“This year, my wish is that everyone gets exactly what they deserve.”

“New year’s day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” – Mark Twain

“New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.”

“What’s your plan for 31st Night? mine is to check all bookmarks I added to my browser in the year 2021.”

“Me having a look at my achievements in 2021.”

“Every new year I resolve to lose 20 pounds and I do the problems is that I gain 20.”

“I’m so excited for 2022! can wait to waste another year.”

“When I think about all my happiest memories from the past year, there’s one thing common denominator you. Happy new year!”

“My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.”

“No New Year / New me here I’ll be the same honest as***** at 12:01 that I was at 11:59.”

“Positive (adj.) the most negative word of 2022.”

“Remember you can reset your new year resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox new year) and February 8th (Chinese new year). After that, even I can’t help you.”

“Cheer’s to another year of resolutions we won’t finish. Happy New Year!”

“Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems. Happy New Year!!”

“The only thing I have gained in 2021 is weight :P”

“Best New Year’s Resolution: Start giving up. Giving Up.”

“New Year’s resolution last year need to get in shape for spring. This year need to get in shape for airport screening.”

“My new year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. I am not starting until next week though.”

“My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.”

“Diet day 1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.”

“Resolution for 2022. No Exception No Disappointment.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments in this New Year!!”

“My New Year’s resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic. Like I won’t screw that up right away.”

“Cheers to those who are walking into 2022 single. Happy New Year!!”

“What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year!”

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.”

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.”

“My new year’s resolution? I’ll probably keep it at 1280 x 1024 like always. thanks for asking.”

“My new year’s resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic. How long do you think this fantasy will last?”

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”

“What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!”

“The library before finals looks like the gym after new years.”

“People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.”

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”

“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”

“My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.”

“Don’t expect any new year’s Resolutions from me. I plan on staying the same awkward, sarcastic, Foul-mouthed delight, That you’ve all come to know and love!”

“Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”

“My new year’s resolution was going to be that I would stop being sarcastic, but dammit, I’m no quitter.”

“Happy new year! Don’t forget to make some resolutions you’ll never keep and put up a new wall calendar you’ll never look at.”

“I can’t believe its been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”

“My new year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.”

“I love it when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.”

“An optimistic stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” – Bill Vaughn

“I don’t have a new year’s resolution you don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.”

“People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”

“Here comes another one for the motivated people, New Year resolution … More time on Treadmill.”

“I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.”

“It’s time to make old mistakes in different ways. Hurray! Happy new year!”

“Successfully wasted 358 days of 2021 8f202 more to go.”

“Get ready to make this mistake soon in 2022…”

“I don’t call them new year’s resolutions. I prefer the term, “casual promises to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfill.””

“The first rule of 2022. never talk about 2021.”

“Dear Luck… Can we be friends in 2022? :P”

“It’s officially New Year’s Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.”