12 Wise Ways to Deal with Family Conflicts
A famous Nelson Mandela quote goes, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” While many family conflicts do have real, important issues behind them, the vast majority are simply about resentment over occasional insensitivity or unfair or irresponsible behavior.
Holding on to resentment over such problems or fighting over them can be a terrible waste of time and energy for all concerned. If you find yourself contributing to a family conflict, here is how you defuse it.
1 Target the Problem, not the Person
If a family member blames you for something you have done, it is important to be careful about how you defend yourself. It is not a good idea to use ways that cause hurt, even if they would help you make a valid point.
If you can think of an instance where the other person has done exactly what they accuse you of, for example, it would not be good manners to throw it in their face. You should only bring it up if you don’t have a choice. Then, you should make sure that you do it respectfully.
Read also – 10 Common Family Problems and How to Solve Them
2 Be Liberal with the Benefit of the Doubt
When you have ongoing friction with a family member, it can be easy to believe that every annoying thing they do is intentional. Deliberate bad behavior is rare. People are often too involved in their own lives to want to annoy others in petty ways. Usually, the reasons people have for doing the things they do are far more complex and reasonable.
3 Remember that People are Different
Even if a family member habitually goes against reasonable wishes you may have, you should understand that people genuinely see even the most fundamental things in very different ways.
If you consider any noise after midnight to be intolerable, for example, others may genuinely see it is completely acceptable. It can take them a great deal of time to change their behavior for a demand that they do not understand.
4 Look for Patterns
Think about the familial conflicts that you are worried about now. Check to see if there is a parallel with problems that your parents had. People who grow up with parents who fight unfairly often repeat the same behavior. Consider changing the unfair habits that you grew up with.
5 Understand that Memories Tend to Change
In long-standing family disputes, all parties involved tend to have completely different recollections of the original problem. The mind has a way of constantly changing the way it remembers things – to the point that memories eventually bear no connection to real event.
Bring it up with the other person that it is possible that no one remembers the actual way the problem first started. Ask if you can start all over again.
6 Think about Children’s Fights
When children fight, they tend to make their parents smile. It amuses parents to see little kids transparently clinging to their pride in matters of no consequence. It can help to think of your own fights in this way.
To someone who was much more mature, would your flight seem amusing? Seeing how silly it is to take oneself too seriously can help anyone overcome issues.
7 What if It Happened to Someone Else?
Whatever you are angry about, think about how seriously you would take the problem if it happened to someone else. Even better, think about whether you would be unhappy with a friend if he did the same thing to someone else. Taking your own personal feelings out of the equation can help you understand that your problem isn’t as serious as it seems.
8 Think About the Healing Effect of Time
Try to recall the problems that you used to take seriously years ago. If you can barely remember them now, you can be sure that the problems you take seriously today will seem inconsequential over time. You can save time by forgetting about them today.
9 Use Anger not to Attack but to Inform
Anger is a very useful, yet dangerous emotion. While it can energize you and give you the strength when you need to defend yourself or those you love, it can also lead you to react in all the wrong ways. Understand that anger is only good as a way to energize you; not to guide your actions.
10 Think About How You Care for the Other Person
During heated family conflicts, step back and reflect on what you genuinely value about the person you’re disagreeing with. Remind yourself of your shared history, the good times, and why this relationship matters to you beyond the current dispute.
When you reconnect with these deeper feelings of care, your approach to the conflict naturally becomes more gentle and solution-oriented. Remembering your love for them doesn’t mean surrendering your position, but rather addressing issues from a foundation of mutual respect and genuine concern for each other’s wellbeing.
11 Practice Active Listening
Put distractions aside, and give your complete attention when family members speak. Look at them while nodding to show interest. Do not prepare a response while speaking, but listen completely to understand their perspective. Paraphrase what you have heard to ensure you understand it before putting forward your ideas. This is respectful and makes it possible to connect in reality by whatever means.
12 Choose a Suitable Location and Time to Conduct Discussions
Avoid bringing up sensitive family issues when people are hungry, tired, or in the middle of something else since emotions might be more flammable at these times. Choose a calm, neutral environment where everyone can freely talk without fear of public humiliation or disruption.
Schedule important discussions in advance so all participants can mentally and emotionally prepare. The setting can differ between a possible fight and a successful discussion.
When you feel resentment for someone, think about how far you would go for them if they happened to be in trouble. It could help soften you.
