4 Universal Reasons We Might Be Staying Attached to the Wrong People

Sep 29, 2016

About 15 years ago our screens were graced by a perky-pink blonde ambition that showed us that no matter who you are, where you come from and what you look like, you can be and achieve anything you set your heart on.

Elle Woods from Legally Blonde bend and snapped her way in many hearts and showed us you do not need to be defined by a man, and you certainly do not need one to be happy and successful. So why do we still find ourselves attached to men or women who are completely toxic for us – men or women whose daily routine involves the rejection, deception and abuse of another human being?

This topic cannot simply be narrowed down to my own experience, as I am uniquely different from you. My experiences were influenced by what has happened in my life, how I perceive and act in certain situations and who I am as an individual – so are yours.

Thus, I took it upon myself to raise the question on my social media platform and with the permission of those who contributed; I will bring it to light and hope that you find the courage to follow that hopeful light that will take you from the stormy waters to a safe harbor.

However, in order to get to a place of safety we have to know that the time has come to acknowledge that there is a problem within the relationship, you have to put yourself first for once and you have to take control of your life – no matter how hard that might be. You have to start forgetting what you feel and realize what you are worth. Therefore, without further ado, here are a variety of universal reasons why we stay attached to the wrong people:

1 Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t know

The comfort zone can often become the danger zone. If you feel that the relationship has gone stagnant and that no matter how much you put into it, it just does not seem to grow anymore, then despite how uncomfortable it might be – it is time to move on.

We can often become so lost in the routine of things that we forget that we deserve to have passion, excitement, and yes, the freshness of love each day – the relationship has to have the ability to change and grow with the different times, into something beautiful and infinitely enduring.

If not, you will always be holding onto a memento of melodious and softer days. You will spent your life looking back at a vibrant picture framed and nailed to a wall, while you have to endure the grey reality of a relationship that chose to remain fixed in one position and never setting foot in the changing times.

That’s all because you are too afraid to step out of what is familiar and safe onto something that could be so much more glorious. This brings me to the second reason I found present in many of the stories that was brought to my attention…

2 Holding your breath

Fear is a constant ghost that haunts people in a toxic relationship and becomes the driving force behind many of the unhappiness and hurt experienced. Whether we know about it or not, but we might fear that the relationship we have and the feelings we had will be as good as it gets and that we might not get better.

We might fear that our past deems us unworthy. We might fear the shame that will come from yet another relationship turning into dust, a relationship of which we told the whole world, “This is the one, I can feel it.”

For many the fear might be more physical, where we fear the person and the unstable situations we often find ourselves in – situations where we are abused and belittled. These situations grotesquely chain us over the years and we find we cannot leave, simply because we are too afraid of what the person might do to us if we do decide to leave.

To this person I want to say that it is never too late, there are many sources of support out there that can help you. I have seen this with people close to me and I want you to know you are not alone. You are strong and worthy, and you deserve to live a life free from trauma, anxiety and pain. It is possible and obtainable. However, you have to make the choice, the choice to live.

We were never made to live under the authority of fear, we were meant to rise up and live victoriously in this life and if one man or woman cannot allow you to be all that you were meant to be, or give you all the love you were meant to have, you have to escape, especially if children are involved and this brings me to my next point:

Read also – How to Be Resilient in Discomfort Instead of Getting Consumed by It

3 Sins of your ancestors

It has recently been discovered that what was written in the Bible about children carrying the weight of their parents and grandparents sin might not be that far off. The results of decisions made by your parents, for instance, can be carried through the sperm and ova to the next four generations.

Thus, outside forces like genetics and the subconscious can often be to blame for many of the things we do or allow to happen to us. This is excluding the ‘sins’ children see happen day in and out within their household. For instance, a child looks up to the parent to support, nurture and love him or her. They also look to them for methods on how to survive in life and how to deal with certain situations.

If this child sees a parent accepting abuse or doing the abusing, there is a one in third chance that this child will either become the victim or even the abuser in his or her relationships. We have to remember our actions influence not only ourselves, but also others.

Another example would be where a young child who raises his or her voice to ask questions and voice opinions get scolded or even disciplined – therefore growing up with the subconscious insecurity of not being worthy enough to question something or the right to have a voice.

This leads to the problem where once you find yourself in a toxic relationship you are subconsciously wired to submit and not defend yourself. However, Dr Caroline Leaf does go on to explain that despite our genes and what we endured as children, we have the ability to make a conscious choice. We can let go of the wrong people.

She states that our brain is plastic and can be changed moment-by-moment by how we chose to direct our thinking – we can choose to look at the toxic situation, analyse it and decide whether or not we will allow it to dictate who we are and what we deserve.

4 A dream within a dream

Have you stopped to consider that perhaps, just like Edgar Allen Poe, you are unavailingly attempting to hold on to the golden grains of sand? Many times love, like the sand moving through the fingers, leaves a sensation and a longing of a dream now lost in the waters that rose up and pulled back once the moon tempted it with its gravitation force.

Yet we keep dreaming of change, that the core axis that kept the ocean of our love equal and steady would return somehow. We hope that our voices would be like a siren calling our loved ones back to us, calling them back to a time where nothing could come against what we had together.

However, holding on to the romanticism of what your relationship was and idealistically and hopefully still could be, will not turn it into the fairy-tale you fantasize about. Nina Simone had it right when she said that you have to learn to get up from the table once you see that love is no longer being served.

If he or she is not willing to put in the time and the effort, despite seeing you do it – they never will. If he or she has not yet changed their toxic and hurtful habits, despite how many times you have gone on your knees with tears in your eyes and pleaded, it will never happen. If they cannot love you enough to put their selfish desires at bay, fight for you and equally walk on this journey with you – they do not deserve you.

You have to remember that you are not the problem – you are capable, beautiful, strong and worthy. Once you realize this, you will start breathing in the fresh air of what your life was always meant to be. Can you imagine finally being able to breathe in clean and crisp air after spending years filling your lungs with dirt and filth?

Read also – To The Girl Who Wants to Let Go of a Lost Dream

Beardsley Jones left a reminder once that inspired me and what I hope will inspire you: You only have this life you are living today. Are you choosing to spend it hating yourself, questioning yourself, profusely apologizing for something you accidentally said or did wrong?

Are you choosing to spend it chasing someone who is not chasing you, someone who neither sees nor hears you? It is your time to be brave and to believe in yourself and your worth, to rise up and be bold and to inspire others. It is your time to live. Don’t waste it on the wrong people.